tacit_voice

"If You're Not the One"

2009-01-12T03:50:45Z

I don't know what to write... I am in love... really and truly in love... and I have to let him go... For him. When you make your decisions for the betterment of someone else... That's the only true indicator of real love. My heart is breaking, but no less than his will if I keep up this charade. All I wish for is that he still cares for me and understands why I need to be alone... I don't want to be alone; I don't want to leave him. But I'm no good for him...

He shouldn't love me.

No one should love me.

Not right now.

"Naked Around You"

2006-12-02T21:20:37Z

I guess I am in another talking mood. It's funny, I've become a minor appearance on this thing. I'm surprised I still remembered the password and also surprised that it still exists. Most programs like this would have deleted it by now, but I am glad that they didn't. Wow, im in University... University of Ottawa for Poli Sci to be more exact. It hasn't seemed like a real change until recently. I talk to all of my friends at home and feel like I can never go back to what I was. I was so settled and so comfortable with my life at home I didn't think anything would truly change, but it did. Of course my friends still care about me and of course I miss them like crazy, but as my years at university will go on, so will theirs. And while I shouldn't be thinking about the inevitable break so early in the game it unnerves me. I can honestly say that with the exception of my Jodi, these people are the closest things to real friends that I have ever had. For some reason I could hang out with other people, but never feel like I actually belonged there. With Brad, Pat, Steve, Kate, Ashley... all of those people I feel like I belong. While that doesn't mean I am truly myself around them I am still comfortable. I miss them to death, but I also don't. It feels like what I miss is the security of having them there. Here I have to start all over again, build relationships from the ground up. At home, I could just call anyone and go anywhere.. what now? And while this whole paragraph appears to be a selfish rant about how I liked to feel secure, i miss them. I was never myself, never exactly who I wanted to be, but I was happy. Some people are so bent on "being yourself" and "not changing for anyone!" but what does it really hurt if you're happy?? Those preachers preach about things that they probably don't even understand. A good chunk of the people that complain about the lack of individuality in today's society are just as fake as the rest of us. They are taught to preach from the individualists who promote something that is only an ideal... not a reality. No person can acceptably say that they are themselves in absolutely every situation. Everyone is intimidated by something or someone... *Sigh.* But while I am ranting about this it is an ideal isn't it?? It's my ideal along with others. Yes, i was happy... But would I not be even happier if I could belong for being something I want to be? Whatever. this rant is way too involved, hypocritical, and twisted to continue lol. The point is I miss home... That's all I really wanted to say there.
I'm fucking up in this city!! It's not that I don't like it; it's not that I am depressed. I am quite happy actually! Probably the most happy I have ever been... it may be fake happiness, but I don't think that it is. Why shouldn't I be content? All I ever do is party and hang out with people that could become something in my life. But for once in my life I truly am sick of fake reality. I want real friends with real feelings and real lives. Not that my friends at home weren't like that.. it's just that we didn't talk about it. That's what I love about Jodi... even though she is so far away from me. She is probably the only person that I have ever been able to talk to so openly that I can tell people "that girl knows me!" She probably even knows me more than I know myself, but could never explain me. Am I complicated or simple? It could go both ways really. I could be so simple I'm complicated... or so complicated that I am simple... if anyone understands what I am trying to say there haha... they probably don't. It's funny really. I thought I had grown up and grown out of these random rants that don't really even mean anything, but I guess not. I'm sure if my friends from home read this they would see something that they never have seen before. Mostly because there is no point in actually being or talking like this... some things are better off left in your head eh. But of course broadcasting them on the internet probably negates that ideal. However, at the same time I know no one really reads this thing and the people that do likely have no interest in my fake self. Ahh, the fake self, how I do love her. She's fun, exciting, a party girl... and what am I really? I act like that is my fake self, but it could be who I really am and I'm just trying to deny it to myself. I hate being a teenager. It's an expectation from society that we don't know who we are. So maybe a good chunk of us understand completely what we are about and where we want to go in life, but we are so bombarded by the cliche that we get all confused aqnd second-guess every aspect. Ahh well, "everyone goes through it" right? Another one of those shitty sentences that really doesnt mean anything to me... Don't you hate it when people give you a clean cut, stereotypical answer to shit when you are confused or hurt by something... Yea, they are trying to help, but useless conversation really doesn't help. And yep, I am ranting about something that I have been guilty of doing in the past. Anything to fit in, right? Thats the teenagers ideal... to fit in. But what if fitting in isn't what I really want?? I'm kind of sick of "fitting in"... When you "fit in" there are expectations... I am expected to party every available day, get drunk as much as possible and fuck as many people as I can get my hands on. Whatever... It's ridiculous really.
I'm not even going to read what I have written before I post this because then I might not actually post it... It's probably a good choice. I have to stop hiding behind walls of pure air. You'd think the strongest wall on the planet is made of croncete or mortar or something, but we all kind of know that it's air... thought... hurt... But I'm not hurt anymore.... I've grown up... I keep saying that, but what does it really mean? Grown up... my own mother is in her late 40s and I don't think she is truly grown up... But grown up suggests an age factor when there really isn't one. You know what though... for the first time in my life I think I have forgiven her. If it weren't for her I wouldnt understand life as well as I seem to. I would be like Pat... and while I love Pat to death as one of my best friends, he has been so sheltered from reality that things will hit him much harder than they could logically hit me. And for that he has years left to learn about life. On the other side though, what would it be like to be naive? I've always kind of wondered what I would be like if I had never been hurt by anyone? What I pretend like I had in stupid ways? Say that, that boyfriend that fucked around on me was the most pain I've ever had in my life? So maybe there really isn't any naive people in this world. Because everyone who is truly naive doesn't know or think that they are. I'm naive to a lot of things... just a good chunk less than a lot of people I associated with in high school and probably a lot of people here. There are a lot of things in life that I have yet to experience or have not been exposed to... like abrupt death, or hard drugs... both of which i would prefer not to obviously. But I come from a smalltown that no one has ever heard of, so can I actually be as experienced in life as I claim to be? Or am I just that in comparison to the other people in my small, unnoticed town. Does it really matter? I guess not...
On a more real note there is a boy here. It's wierd... We aren't together by any means... maybe that's a good thing, or bad... again, I don't know. But while all the other guys I have been with or had an interest in have inspired me only to be what they want me to be. No, that is not on purpose, they didn't sit down one day and say that I want to mould this girl; I want to change her. It just happened, through no fault of theirs. But with this guy I actually do want to by myself and he expects it. He is the only person up to this point who has cut through the bullshit. He doesn't say it all that often, but he knows that I am still pretty fake around him. Most people just accept me thinking that everything I have shown is everything I am and this guy doesn't do that. Maybe that's why he draws my interest... because even without knowing it and maybe not even purposefully he is breaking through the barriers I didn't know I still had. But he just wants to be friends... Although that is probably a good thing.. I don't know. I can honestly say that, that hasn't happened in a really long time too. It's wierd to say out loud, but I haven't been uninteresting to a guy I have went after in a so long that I don't remember the last time it happened. Believe me that is not an attempt to sound pompous, the reason that it is that way is because I am usually so guarded that I never go after a guy I don't think I can get. It's like I sub-consciously block out all of the guys that look passed me in a crowd. Oh well, I don't know what else to say on the topic, so I am going to end this ridiculously lengthy rant and perhaps right again sometime later. But as my entries have been going I can't really promise anything. So, I am going to end with a poem that i wrote today:

Forgiveness?
On the day that you gave up,
I broke down.
Missing a face and not a soul,
Who are you?
All the years I thought I knew;
All this time I'd thought you'd grew.
But you're still the same,
Too scared to change.
A life so long... you're stuck.
Stuck in something you don't want to be.
Or do you?
So hard to forgive,
Too much to forget.
One day it'll end,
A day already set.
As I wait patiently,
Growing stronger every moment,
Words I'm afraid to speak;
A sentence that means I'm weak:
I love you,
Always have.

tacit_voice @ 2005-11-25T22:10:00

2005-11-26T03:39:18Z

Well... Here I am again. It's funny. I know that no one reads this and yet I'm still here. I don't even know why I want to start with this thing again. It's like I have this huge thought, this glorified idea of having some life to talk about... but then I stare at the screen for what seems like hours... for nothing. Now look at me... useless rambling. Hmmm...
You know, something really hit me tonight. Actually, Brad hit me lol. But what he said to me struck a chord. It's true. He said, "Oh come on, you know if I asked you to come to my party before, you wouldn't have anyway... At least I HAVE friends... And I tried to be your friend anyway... You just don't want friends." I've never really thought about it that way before. It kind of hurts, but it's true. Do I want friends or do I try to avoid them... try to be alone? And all of that makes me wonder. Did things with Josh get all fucked up because i was afraid... confused? Is it because I don't know how to survive dependent on others... in love? I think so. I think that's why I have kicked myself for weeks thinking about him. Wondering when my brain melted and I became the bitch I have been. I miss him... I love him... i DONT deserve him... Even if i want to deserve him, I don't. So, in knowing that, should i let him go? Should I stop fighting? I don't think I can. Oh well. We'll just see what happens I guess.
Speaking of Josh... We've been hanging out more and more. Shh... Don't tell anyone! It's a governement protected secret. Kill me. I can't blame him for feeling that way and doing what he is doing. I understand. But it feels completely horrible. I just want to march right up to him right in the middle of lunch in the music room, kiss him, and then walk away. What would everyone say then? What kind of gossip could they come up with after that? I'm sure they could all think of some juicy story to tell involving a big green bird and a blue elf. God knows what type of shit can be brewed up in there. I know, I know. I'm the big, green monster from mars out to devour the hearts of every man alive. I'M SORRY! I don't know what happened, I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I hurt everyone... And none of that means that I hold any sort of dislike for any of the music kids. That is definitely not what I mean. They are all amazing people, I never doubted that. It's just the way they live life: gossip, gossip, gossip. And it is that, that I can't stand. And you know what, I don't even dislike Nikki. She did what she did because of her friendship with Josh. Mind you she doesn't know exactly what happened or why, but nonetheless. I just think that she shouldn't have had anything to do with it is all. But it is her choice and she can be an extroardinary person, i've seen it. I just wish she could've accepted me, but that doesn't matter anymore. What happened, happened. What's done is done. I just hope she knows that I understand why she has to hate me. Anyway, enough of that.
In better news, I started playing the saxophone the other day. I don't think I'm all that bad. I mean, considering I only started the other day. I couldn't play at all today though. My lips were so swollen! And there are actually teeth marks on the inside of my mouth where my teeth bit down on my lower lip to play. Hmm... let's see. I think that means STOP PLAYING. You know you are practising way too much when it hurts to breath and your lips are the size of a hot air balloon lol. Oh well.
Anyway, I should probably go. Otherwise, I won't have anything left to write tomorrow or the next day. Who knows... this stupid journal thing could actually be good for me. Meh. Bye.

tacit_voice @ 2005-05-03T18:50:00

2005-05-03T22:59:12Z

I haven't written in this thing in a dog's age. Except... I'm kind of bored at the moment and in a mood for typing. So... I'm pretty sure no one is going to read this, but I'm going to write it nonetheless. It's been kind of a wierd day I guess you could say. I've been completely void of Aaron for a long, million year, while and yet today I had this wierd longing for him. I guess it's not as wierd as I make it out to be. It's my own fault really. I talked to him a bit on the bus and then when I got home I went on the internet to find a poem... And surprise I ended up reading some of his old ones too. ANd it got me to thinking. I remember when we used to be friends and we shared our writing and what not. I kinda miss that, but I also kind of don't. I don't miss the absolute agony that I went through knowing that a part of me loved him and probably always will. And I don't miss the part where he knows this and revels in it. He seems the type to be in love with people being in love with him... not so good for me.
It's been a really wierd week, in fact, because Alex is home from school too and wants to hang out with me. The problem with that... he wrote me a poem. This poem is about how much he used to love me and still does. Josh read this poem... unhappily of course... So, needless to say he is not very gung-ho about me spending time alone with Alex... but he's a close friend of mine and has been for about two years now. But I guess I don't blame him because for awhile there when I was mad at Josh for being moderately stupid I started thinking about my feelings for Mr. Leney... Are there any? I don't think so... but I wasn't so sure at the time. Oh well... I love Josh and there's very little that could ever change that.
Speaking of Josh: AHHH! The complete madness of it all. My SIX MONTH anniversary is in 9 days! How insanely crazy is that? Me: Mrs. NON-COMMITMENT is having a six month anniversary in NINE days! It feels so wierd and yet so natural. But neway, I think I will stop writing on this thing and actually do something productive. later.. uh... myself...

tacit_voice @ 2004-09-21T19:23:00

2004-09-21T23:25:32Z

she haunts me
both my days and my nights
appearing to my inner eye
lying in a pool of blood
singing
mouthing the words to a song i cannot hear
never ceasing
her song taunts me
unable to understand, recognize
once her outstretched hand
confused my mind
only once
why can't i hear her
is she my dying soul?
my dying soul in its ocean of red
it can't be
she is the perfect image of beauty
something i can never be
her flawless white dress ripped apart... shredded
has she lost her innocence?
no longer pure?
no.
she stares into my eyes
trying to tell me
trying to speak to my mind
but i can't hear
or I won't hear?
i tear away with frusteration
but she won't go away
why can't she just yell aloud
tell me what she's trying to say
what she's trying to do
this is my future
the pool of blood is my own
but she is a stranger
a stranger of beauty
lying in my death
a death no longer my own
i have been replaced, left out, passed by
even at my end.
the singing stops for a moment
the silence screeching in my deaf ears
she looks at me again
the lines on her face now clear
slowly shaking her head she speaks to me
back and forth, right. left.
her eyes glaze over and again she sings
still there are no words...
the haunting tune slips away again
her message still not heard
her tacit voice is my new end
by: meaghan ferguson

tacit_voice @ 2004-07-16T22:56:00

2004-07-17T03:21:39Z

Well everyone. I'm not coming back, but I guess this is the only way to communicate with certain people. In short this is my eulogy lol just kidding. Anyway here it is:
Emily: Obviously most significantly as is clear. You won't read this for a long time if ever, but oh well. I'm not retracting what I said because, well you've hurt me a lot and I just couldn't take it anymore. You don't do it on purpose, it's just who you are and I knew that. So, it's my fault really. And one thing I will say with conviction is that I am a bitch for being passive aggressive about the whole thing. But I never had a chance to really talk to you when I wanted to and it's stupid that I lied to you so many times and pretended that what you did was alright. I'm a stupid idiot and I'm sorry. And I'm sure that I've done the same to you many, many times lol. Remember Geography class? I've known since the project of attacking each other that we could never get along as a whole. I mean we're fine, but we were destined to kill each other sometimes. Maybe I crossed the line, but I was going out of my mind and you weren't the entire reason, just a thread upon the spindle.
Jodi: I really didn't know that I had hurt you, but apparently I did. I wasn't blaming you for the drifting apart. Simply stating a fact. But I really don't think that's what hurt you. I think it was when I scoffed at a certain person that you have apparently become close with. But you knew even before all that, that I had a moderate disdain for her character. That was before Jessica, before anything. That was me being me and honesty is who I am. Don't you admit that if you get sensitive over it that you must know deep down that something's not really right. I've just seen who she is that's all. Remember last time you were friends with her and I made my dislike clear? What ended up happening? She dropped you right. How is it that you can easily be fine with her and drop me when I notice the truth. It just hurts and like I said to Emily I'm a bitch alright. I'm an overly sensitive bitch. There I said it I'm sensitive. The girl who tries to always be emotionally tough (TRIES and fails) is SENSITIVE. fuck it.
Well, to end this whole thing I would like to say fine if you want to drift apart. That's what seems to be happening and I'm the only one caring to do anything about it. I may have started it in a way and now I'm ending it. We all seem to have our own separate friends now so I'll just leave it up to both of you to decide what you want to do.

tacit_voice @ 2004-07-05T19:21:00

2004-07-05T23:24:52Z

Spreading my wings to fly
Fly away from the world
This lie
Only to fall back into it all
Dragged kicking and screaming
Into a life that I never asked for
The hate takes over
Unable to conceal
My cloak has fallen and I am revealed
Revealed for what I am
Standing bare and broken
Before the world, before myself
Torn apart by my own hand
Again I fall upon the floor
Collapsed. Paralyzed with anger and fear
Fear for who I've become and will be
Slowly lifted to the light of my being
Black with scars, red with blood
I hide my face and fall away
Alone I am, alone I will be
Until I am deemed worthy
By: Meaghan Ferguson

tacit_voice @ 2004-07-05T19:05:00

2004-07-05T23:07:56Z

Lost and Drifting
In an unwanted sea of emptiness
Warmth surrounds her soul
Only warmth, never true feeling
False tears slide down a stained cheek
This stone face will never break
What can't she love, why can't I feel?
In one swift action she is lost.
Lost below the surface
Slipping into darkness, I am alone.
Forever alone, always alone.
Her chance surpassed
My feelings unfelt, unheard
She just wouldn't hold on
I let myself pass
Fallen
Within her sea of emptiness.
By: Meaghan Ferguson

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-30T12:13:00

2004-06-30T16:16:27Z

Well journal, this is it. I'm getting far too comfotable writing anything on here and I'm not sure that I like it. I mean yesterdays whole "bout of sadness" as I called it was a joke. I shouldn't be writing things like that on the internet. Therefore, I'm just a weak idiot who needs to complain to everyone about nothing... I have a problem with living in the moment and not thinking about what I will feel about it later. So, this is my last entry. It's for the better, I don't want to get to the point where my life is an open book. I'm perfectly happy and it has been working for years without broadcasting it to anyone. So, good-bye all, it's been fun lol.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-30T00:31:00

2004-06-30T04:38:31Z

Welp, that was a short-lived "relationship" lol. Mitch doesn't feel the same way he used to and I knew it. People tried to convince me I was wrong, but I knew it. It's kinda funny though for a couple reasons. One because I basically forced myself to like him when there was nothing there and then i got attached. But the second thing is that I had about ten minutes of upsetedness lol (nice word eh haha) and after that ten minutes I reverted to "woo-hoo I'm single" lmao. It sounds kinda mean, but it's weird. It took days to fall in like and mintues to fall out of it. Thank you to Cameron Bishop who weathered through that ten minutes lol, well he caught the last 2 or 3 anyway. Genius make ya feel better boy haha. However, as you can all see I was in a horribly negative mood earlier tonight and you'd think that I would be worse after that. but for some reason I'm better. It's probably just because I feel more comfortable when I'm on my own. It's just the way I am and supposed to be. Cudos to me for attempting a relationship. It didn't work out, so what, somehow I knew it wouldn't. They never do for me. In conclusion, I am bloody tired and am going to drag myself to bed. L8er days.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-29T21:56:00

2004-06-30T02:19:58Z

GUH, why am I such an idiot... I feel really bad for Mitchell because it seems like he's afraid that I'm going to get upset at him for the tiniest things and thats not really how it is. I don't get upset at him just at life and he happens to be a part of mine. I'm just so very alone right now that I guess I want to be with him all the time and I know that it definitely cannot be that way. I mean Jodi and I are getting kind of distant. I can't stand that because we are supposed to be best friends, but she's got this other life to live now with her boyfriend and I just kind of slipped through the cracks. And Emily, my other best friend if I can even call her that is in Sauble Beach for the whole summer. But I was already having trouble with her because she only cares about herself which I could discuss in detail, but no one cares. And I have barely talked to Jekike or Steph or even Inge... I used to be able to list tons of people that I was friends with or who I could hang out with if I wanted. Now I can't think of one. Nicole and I seem to be getting a bit closer, but still. I just hate this and I can't take it anymore. I know what it's like to be hated. I know what it's like to have not a single friend in the world and I don't want to go back to that. I don't talk to anyone about anything and it's starting to get to me. I mean Alex and I talk a little bit, but now he's going away to school so he has a lot to think about. And there's the tension of him liking me and running away from that possible relationship situation and then going out with Mitchell. But anyway, he wrote me a poem today which made me feel a bit better. At least there's someone that's thinking about me right. Well, here it is then:

Inside no feeling's left
And still this broken mirror reflects
A woman victimized by her own regrets
She's unaware how to carry on
For she can longer trust people
No words can reach her
No advice can teach her
She is only a shadow behind the crowd
She remains far beyond harm's way
Cautious not to make mistakes
But the painful memories won't go away
Tomorrow is yet another endless day
She knows not how to change
Still her life is the same
Taunting her at every moment
Every piercing second
And still on this broken mirror
Is her victimized reflection...

Well, it's not so much for me as it is about me. I dunno, in this world of emptiness a sliver of light within my prison is all I need to survive right. I;m not claiming to be depressed or in some horrible life situation. I have food, shelter, clothes, money and seeming happiness. I'm just alone. I guess i will stop my daily bout of sadness and leave myself a certain grain of integrity, but who cares... who needs integrity... it's only me who I am hurting by forfeighting it.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-27T23:50:00

2004-06-28T03:57:07Z

Well, hello, I'm bored and I suppose I have a little bit to write. First of all a lot more people apparently read this than I had originally assumed lol. Anywho, to do with that, i have also been notified of the larger grouping of people that understand my previous reference to the A&P/Mitchell thing... WHAT THE HELL!!!! I am hoping that you people are just incredibly observant because I am completely and utterly disturbed at the present time. At any rate, the reason I mention it is to kindly ask any of you weird observant people to not open your mouths about the situation. I had no idea and had hoped that no one knew, but apparently I am STUPID... ACK... umm, yes, no talking about it please... Thank you... Umm, yes, awkwardness...
Speaking of awkwardness, Mitchell that was kind of awkward lol. You know what I mean, we will have to work on that I think haha. I think I said that exact thing when I text messaged you. Hmm... oh well, no biggie. It's common haha. Therefore insignificant I think. Luv ya. L8er all.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-25T20:51:00

2004-06-26T00:56:54Z

I suppose you could say that I'm having a good day lol. It was sooo messed up though. Okay, I worked till 8:00pm and there was no answer at home so, i was like "fuck" and I decided to walk to my grandmother's house. I was gonna stop by Pharma Plus really quick just to say hi to Mitch, but turns out my step-mom was standing at the cash when I walked in. It was sooo weird. Anywho, I had my ride home easily enough which made me happy. But the weirdest part was my walk down Kent Street. Uh, by some messed up freak of nature I got five cat calls and there was also a group of girls that walked by me said hello and told me they liked my clothes and what not. Umm... the only thing I can think of that was different was my hair, but what the hell! I was like oooooookkkkaaaaaaaaayyyy. Apparently Mitchell has some comptetition with the dirty gross Lindsay people. My favourite one was when someone yelled "Take off the shirt". Uh, hello, what do you plan to get out of that! I may just be a bit of a pancake haha. I felt like yelling they're fake back at him, but I didn't. Too bad it would have been funny. Anyways, I've got nothing productive to write so I'm gonna go now. Except, Mitchell if you're reading this you need to call me or say hi to me if I'm away or something because we've barely talked since Tuesday and I'm getting lonely lol. L8er.

AHHH

2004-06-25T18:34:58Z

GUH... I'm so very very very very very very very bored!!! It seems that all I've been doing lately is working and staying home! My dad wouldn't let me go out last night because he had to go to my little step-sisters graduation... blah blah blah. And I've talked to Mitchell for a total of like 10 minutes since Tuesday. I'm going insane! But I have to go :S BECAUSE I HAVE TO WORK AT 3:30!! AHHHHH... l8er.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-23T22:05:00

2004-06-24T02:18:26Z

Well everyone, I don't know why, but I am sooo happy right now. I haven't been this happy for awhile. There is not a smidgen of negativity in me and I feel like I'm floating on a cloud as Jodi would likely say. I just can't think of anything that's wrong in my life and it makes me happy :) I mean there is still a bit of tension between my father and I, but that will hopefully pass. It also helps that my father apparently approves of Mitchell because the last guy he didn't approve of didn't last long lol. Simply meaning that my father wouldn't let me go anywhere with him haha, but it wasn't a relationship anyway of course. Cause I'm not supposed to have those. For those who will understand this, specifically Mitchell, I haven't done anything "stupid" in awhile... Hmm... I think you should get that... (Remember at A&P? lol) and that is because I am very happy :D Anywho, I'm going to take my chipperness away from live journal now and find something more productive to do, like talk on msn haha. L8er.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-21T22:00:00

2004-06-22T02:15:34Z

Well, I was trying to decide what my hugest fault was today with little help from my friends lol. I'm not trying to be negative I just want to know. Anywho, this is all I could get out of people:
Alex leney: having faults or flaws is nothing to be ashamed of, because everyone shares the same problem whether they want to admit or not, for you, i would say that your biggest flaw is your lack of confidence, you put yourself down much too often and that could be one of your biggest problems, and your biggest fault would have to be your secretive and two-faced nature, i never know whats going on with you because everyday you re different

Nicole Lane: insecure

If anyone has anything else to add I'd be happy lol. It's not negativity Mitchell! Everyone should know their flaws and not the ones that they themselves see.
GUH, I would also like to point out that I am an idiot... No matter what mitchell says I continue to have these stupid doubts about everything... I'm going to try my best to ignore it because this is how it starts. I convince myself that they don't like me or that I don't like them. I guess I'm just afraid to care about someone because than that allows them a window of opportunity. A window to break me with, to shatter whatever is left of my soul and i can't handle that. Guh, but I'm not going anywhere, this time is different... I guess that all depends on Mitch tho... but I'm not going to run away... I won't and I don't want to.
Oh God, now for more insignificant babble for the bored at heart. Sorry guys lmao. L8er.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-18T23:06:00

2004-06-19T03:16:24Z

*sigh* Hmmm... Haven't updated this in awhile... Well... My dad's being a jerk as is the recent norm and so I am home alone bored out of my mind... I don't feel like expanding on that situation at the present time... So, new topic!
Hmm... Mitchell... I am utterly and completely surprised at my reaction to this whole relationship situation. When I first found out that Mitchell liked me it was one of those "hmm... I like him a bit, but I dunno...he's the relationship type" and I was all freaked out and what not, as per usual. But now, I'm just so comfortable with the whole thing. Mind you, I haven't had much time to hang out with him. Meh, that'll change. However stupid this is going to sound the fact that I'm doubting his feelings for me is a good sign. Well, it's not good because it bugs the hell out of me, but it's good in the sense that I must like him a lot; well I do. It's one of those if I like him than it doesn't make sense that he likes me too kinds of things.
Oh, funny story, well interesting if not funny. I was bored after school for a long time because I had to work at 4:00, so Steve and I just hung out until I had to work. Kirsten was there too until about 2:00 because she had a piano lesson. Anywho, we were sitting by the river and I suggested we go visit Mitchell for a couple minutes if he was home because we were so close to his house. Well, turns out he wasn't there, but we stayed and talked to his mom for awhile lmao. She was just like oh ya, you can come even if Mitch isn't here lol... I was like umm... ok lol She told me I could come and just randomly watch tv... it was sooo weird, but I love her anyway because she's so nice. Anyways, I'm going to stop rambling on now and leave. Later.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-15T21:24:00

2004-06-16T01:25:07Z

HATE

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-12T23:31:00

2004-06-13T03:40:19Z

Youre the Dark Fairy... you hate alot of things and
dont trust anyone people always feel awkward
near you. You are always in the Dark living in
shadows and dispair. (please vote it might make
you feel better) ;

Which Beautiful Amy Brown Fairy Are You? (with pretty pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your soul is bound to the Rose Petals: The
Wronged.

"'ve come undone and all hopes of mending
me are gone because the pain took my soul.
Can't you see? The only one who can put me
back together again is me."

The Rose Petals are associated with sorrow,
reflection, and wisdom. They are governed by
the goddess Persephone and their sign is The
Teardrop, or Broken Love.

As a Rose Petal, you are always self-reflective and
may be hard on yourself. You probably have
been hurt in the past by other people and can
sometimes distance yourself, as a result. You
don't usually let other get too close to you,
but you are very good at mending your spirits
back together by yourself.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, those are both very depressing!! Jeebus!!! And as a result I'm going to stop doing stupid quizzes now.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-12T21:05:00

2004-06-13T01:24:28Z

Well, I should be at Nikki's B-day party with Mitchell, but instead I am here at my house alone and bored out of my mind. Hmm, let me guess, the first question that pops to mind is why right? I figured that my dad was just pissed off about the whole drinking last friday and than showing up a half hour late on saturday... Wrong... Apparently he heard stories from people (not sure who, he wouldn't say) about friday night. Mostly the tent thing... :S So, he got all pissed off for a number of reasons. The first one being that he was embarrassed that people thought of his daughter as an idiot. The second that he is having trouble trusting me now and thinks that I was completely wrong and that friday results in a bad reputation for me. Which is apparently really important. Anyone who knows me should know that I have serious trouble caring what other people think about me and my own father is trying to convince me that this is significantly important in one's life! The last thing I am going to say is that I feel sorry for Mitchell. Going out with the ugly neighbourhood whore is probably not an accomplishment to be proud of... I'm so pissed off, I'm just going to go now.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-11T23:10:00

2004-06-12T03:13:56Z

Well, just got back from seeing Harry Potter lmao. Yes, I've read all the books, own them as well and yes I have seen every movie lol. And if I didn't have such a damn stomach ache I would write more. Just thought I should quickly update so that i can bore a million people. Anywho, I'm going to bed soon I think, but I'll try to write a lot more new and interesting things tomorrow.

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-08T20:50:00

2004-06-09T00:55:22Z

I'm in a post lyrics and what not with obviously hidden meanings kind of mood. They might not have a meaning to me just depends on what it is. The main point is that I love them lol.

My heart isn't broken
Just tortured and twisted
My soul is now barren
Burnt and blistered

My eyes are adrift
They focus on nothing
I search for the end
The soft painless snuffing
and still I whisper....
By: Robert Bast

Lateralus: TOOL
Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.
Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.
Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.
I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.
With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going, going...

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-08T20:31:00

2004-06-09T00:38:21Z

I'm sorry everyone. I know this is a horrible bad excuse for a poem because it sounds funny... It's only because the rhyming scheme is complteley messed up and weird so meh... But newho it gets the point across so there ya go.

I can't describe what you make me feel
My head is spinning, forever confused
I'm just afraid to fall head over heels

So much torture, so much pain
I can't handle more hurt
My soul is eternally stained

It's so easy to hate
far too hard to love
but I won't accept this lonely fate

I think I've decided
which path to take
this time I won't hide it

But you have to be patient
cuz I'll always be lost
I won't lose you, it's too large a cost

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-07T22:36:00

2004-06-08T02:46:27Z

Yup, here I am again. Writing for a second time on the same day! I have no life, I'm sorry. Anywho, the weirdest thing happened today! Mitchell and Lindsay came to Loblaws and came through my till and stuff. And when I saw him standing there I was like Ahhh and than I got this full body chill thing. It was SOOOO weird and I didn't like it lol. I really dunno what that was all about, but it was crazy. Anywho, that's all I really have time to write because I have to focus on my stupid homework :S GUH... buh-bye

tacit_voice @ 2004-06-07T15:07:00

2004-06-07T19:21:57Z

Hmm... I'm not exactly sure what to write today... There's so many and so few things. First of all I have completely lost all interest, or whatever you can call it, in Jesse. Like, at Alexandra's party on Saturday there wasn't even a flicker, just nothing. So, I guess that's a good thing. I'm still pretty confused about the Mitchell situation though. I mean he's incredibly nice and all that stuff, I don't know, guh. Anyway, I really should go and do some homework before work :S Ewww, I have no time for anything, this sucks!